You're Not A Doormat: How to Stop Over-Giving and Create New Reciprocal Relationships
Why one-sided relationships are draining your soul—and how to reclaim your time, energy, and worth, while calling your energy back.
Relationships can be our greatest source of joy and fulfillment, or a whole lot of draining pain and discontent. It’s been said, familiarity breeds contempt, meaning the people closest to you don’t necessarily see your greatness.
As we age, it seems more common to find ourselves in relationships that feel draining or unbalanced, especially if you’re a giver. And if you are a giver, takers may seems to circle like sharks at dusk in your lives. True reciprocal relationships in general, can feel few and far between. This is more common for women, and for leaders in general.
Here are just a few examples:
The spouse in an unequally yoked relationship, pulling all the weight, spiritually or financially.
The aunt, who is always expected to travel to see the nieces and nephews, but the “kids” (now in their 30’s and 40’s) rarely ever visit, call or text.
The stepmom who changes diapers, does homework, and feeds others while never expressing herself fully (or losing her sh*t) like a “real” mom, for fear of rejection.
The caregiver, who for years or even decades on end, gets blamed, or at best, no credit for all they do.
The business owner who creates retention awards and bonuses for average employees, but then gets less then a days notice after years of nurturing.
Many of us have those friends, neighbors, or business relationships, that we trust and constantly reach out to—texting, calling, and flattering—yet often find ourselves receiving little in return.
So let’s draw an awareness line in the proverbial sand today.
It’s Good to Be Aware of The Imbalance.
It’s essential to take stock of the relationships in our lives, so here are a just a couple of coaching questions to get you thinking about the current imbalance of unequally yoked relationships in your own life.
Are you the initiator?
Are you consistently the one initiating conversations, texts, sending thoughtful gifts, or checking in on your friends?
Are they fair weather friends?
Are those friends there for you to go out and talk about how everything is fine? These are usually very shallow, surface friends. Nice to have, but not there for you to express emotions when things go south.
Are you trying to prove yourself?
From self esteem, to money and security, check your inner motives for every relationship you engage in presently.
If something along these lines triggers a hurt from your own situation, it might be time to evaluate the dynamics of those relationships. It’s not that your friends or loved ones are bad people; they may simply be caught up in their own lives, facing their own struggles, or perhaps they don’t know another way.
The Need for Equality and Equanimity
As we age, deeper connections are needed to feed the soul. And it’s OK to give yourself permission to seek out friendships that reflect the effort and emotional support that you bring to the table. It’s essential to surround yourself with people who can match your energy and commitment.
One Size Does Not Fit All
We are a big, unique individual, and nobody is just like us. We search for it, even in a spouse, but quickly realize there is still a need to fill. We crave an inner circle of good and trustworthy relationships around us. And, we need to be willing to be one of the good and trustworthy relationships in someone else's inner circle. It’s OK to piecemeal our souls relationship quota.
Get Energized By New Connections
As spring marches on, let the opening of blooms and buds, remind you to stay open to receiving more energizing relationships in your life.
I don’t set goals each year, I set intentions and create metrics around those, and I have found that to be far more fulfilling and effective.
This month, set an intention (what you intend to see) to invite reciprocal, like-minded individuals who resonate with your values and aspirations. Seek connections with those who understand your rhythm and may even share a desire for collaboration in your personal or professional life.
I believe in belief.
And, I believe that what you focus on, will come to pass.
So just for today, focus on what you want to see come to pass in your life. Trust me, your subconscious mind will thank you.
Here’s a quick heart-opening Creative Visualization exercise that will help you focus on what you want (rather than what you don’t want) and make the subconscious shift to bring good relationships into your life:
Find a Comfortable Space: Begin by settling into a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth.
Visualize Light: Imagine a warm, golden light glowing in the center of your chest, where your heart is. With each breath, visualize this light growing brighter and expanding outward, filling your entire body with warmth and love.
Set Your Intention: As you continue to breathe, silently repeat a heartfelt intention. It can be, “I am open to receiving new, reciprocal friendships that uplift and inspire me.”
Feel the Connection: Picture yourself surrounded by people who resonate with your energy. Imagine sharing laughter, support, and kindness in these friendships. Feel the joy and gratitude for these connections as they blossom in your life.
Close the Visualization: Slowly bring your awareness back to your breath, and when you’re ready, open your eyes. Carry this feeling of openness and warmth throughout your day.
I’ve been doing creative visualization in my life for over 30 years, and this is what I know for sure: when you see it, you can make it happen. Part of putting out any intention is to let it go, and allowing it come back to you at the perfect time. This is how you can create space for new energizing relationships that reflect your heart. Too many people, when hurt, close themselves off. It’s easy to become bitter or resentful. Don’t go there.
Instead of doing that, come from a place of being cracked open wide by hurt. I have found that the right friendships will come when you remain open and receptive, to align with those who mirror your own soft and beautiful soul.
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I can’t wait to welcome you as part of my inner circle.
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